This moment

Choose Your Own Adventure: Kansas City edition

December 4, 2013
Do you remember those awesome books from your childhood — the ones where, based on the decisions you made in the book, your outcome would be either dismal or delightful? Well, my friends, I’ve decided to come up with my own Choose Your Own Adventure story, a Kansas City edition. SITUATION: It’s just before 5 p.m. on a chilly winter evening and you’re heading from Atchison towards Arrowhead Stadium for the biggest Kansas City Chiefs game of the season. It’s not currently snowing, but it has been recently, and there’s plenty of snow along the sides of the roads. You’re on a long, quiet stretch of road — one of your “shortcuts” — when all of a sudden, your car starts sliding out of control, hits a rock or two, and then, long-story short, you end up with four very flat tires on a very deserted road in very cold weather. Now’s the part where you choose your own adventure! Pick an option below and find out your destiny!

Ribbet collage

OPTIONS: OPTION 1: Rule number 1 in life is to call your mom, right? So that’s what you do! You give her a ring and beg her to come help you, or at least call someone who can come help you. Sadly, Mama is preoccupied with those rascal teenage kids from the neighborhood who are setting off fireworks in the middle of the winter. She brushes off your plea and hangs up. You frantically begin to redial her number when… your phone dies. So now it’s you against the world on some off the beaten path road with four flat tires and no cell battery. Authorities find a frozen popsicle version of yourself in the spring when the ice thaws. OPTION 2: “Four blown tires ain’t no thang,” you gruffly say to yourself. You glance at your phone and see that the time is 5:04 p.m.,  an hour and 56 minutes before kick-off. If you start jogging, and with the possible luck of a generous stranger willing to give you a lift, you might be able to make it, because there’s no way you’re missing this game. You straighten out your Alex Smith jersey and start a steady jaunt. Twenty minutes later a huge bus pulls over alongside you — it’s the opposing team’s bus offering you a ride to the stadium. You don’t even bat an eyelash telling them, “Thanks but no thanks,” and as the bus drives off, you’re still yelling that the Chiefs’ offense will slice through their defense like a knife through butter. Ten minutes later, as luck would have it, the Chiefs’ team bus pulls over, asking if you need a ride. You literally do a heel-click before clambering onto the bus. You stare at Andy Reid for the entire ride to the stadium, and he eventually offers you a position as an assistant coach. Your car with four blown tires disintegrates on the side of your “shortcut” while you and your new BFF Reid lead the Chiefs to an eventual Super Bowl victory. OPTION 3: Your life motto is “Always be prepared,” and it’s saved your life countless times. While whistling Bob Marley’s “Don’t Worry, Be Happy,” you pop open your trunk and pull out four spare tires. In record time, you’ve de-wheeled and then re-wheeled your trusty vehicle, and you’re soon ready to go. Right as you’ve buckled up, your phone starts ringing. It’s a blocked number, but you answer it anyway because you’re in a great mood. Turns out it’s Jimmie Johnson, the NASCAR driver. He explains that he randomly had a camera installed along the road where you just blew out your tires, saw you put the spares on, and wants you to be the lead member of his pit crew. You politely decline, but then he says he’ll get you season tickets and a box seat at all Kansas City Chief games for the rest of your life. And voila! You’re suddenly team Johnson for life. OPTION 4:  You’re busy weeping in the fetal position next to your car as snow begins to fall when you hear a car pull up. Without even looking up, you say, “Go away! Leave me alone!” No one responds, so you just continue to audibly cry your heart out. After a few minutes you hear the car start and drive away. You wipe your eyes and look up. Your car tires have all been replaced! You look after the vehicle that had pulled over only to see two pinpricks of red tail lights in the distance. On your hood is a note that reads, “Happy Holidays! Go Chiefs!” — signed Alex Smith, quarterback for the Chiefs.

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